Suck in undies or rogue undies?

I was listening to my mum and her two sisters talking all things pantyhose ("stockings" for Gen Y) the other day, and it went something like this: "Oh no, I can't get into those anymore...... they're too tight.....I can't get them over this...... and me that......the suck in bit at the top rolls down.....it doesn't suck in anything.....they push my stomach up.....I just don't bother with them".
It was quite the topic, and it got me thinking about my own (unmentionable pair) of suck in undies. I bought them for my cousins wedding last year. Miss Myer promised me the 'bike-leg-tummy-suck' variety would shave off two sizes of thigh and tummy pud, so I bought a pair, ok two pairs. But the truth is, they did nothing but ride up my (ahem....crack), and by the time canapés were served I had so much lycra in the abyss I almost sent in a search party to retrieve it.
How on earth does a woman with any self respect,  walk the room, eat canapés, and make small chat whilst harbouring the room's biggest secret?
I bet a few of you are nodding your heads??  And I bet you've tried the sly hand sweep across your bot in an effort to pull them out (didn't work hey, never does). I bet you also tried the trick with no hands, the squat and sidle. If you're lucky, sometimes they dislodge and you're as right as rain until you take a big swig of champers and forget to take baby steps, then you're back to square one.
I'm telling you, it's false advertising, don't buy them.
It's Spring Carnival time ladies, embrace your curves, treat them to some sexy, well fitting underwear and by a dress size up!

With love and experience,
Liv xo