http://www.babywinkz.com/2012/12/stress-free-christmas-shopping/
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm almost positive I was back with numero uno, 11 years ago. I hope I stopped after that because listening to these particular felines chant their way through the aisles and checkouts can be quite a headache. It's almost like they want EVERY SINGLE BATTLER in the supermarket to listen to their overzealous conversation with their precious bubsy wubsy.
If you have been lucky enough to avoid it, I'm going to make you unlucky enough now to read it. It goes something like this:
Conversation at the checkout: Overzealous-new-mum to 7-month-old-couldn't-care-what-she-is-saying-baby, in a decibel rivalling any major league football coach mid game:
Overzealous new mum: "Oooo sweetie peatie diddems widdems, I know you want that Toblerone but not today schnookems because you have to have your broccoli mash first....you don't even have your eye teeth yet do you....do you....do you? What would the dentist say if mummy gave you so much sugar? I think mummy would get in oodles of trouble schnooky (*Looks around to see who is listening). Do you really think chocolate is the healthy option? (*looks around again, smiles at me).
7 month old couldn't care what she is saying baby: (*no response)
Overzealous new mum: Get your little fingers off that lady's trolley, there are germies everywhere bubsy wubsy. What do you think we should cook Daddy tonight? prawn and occi risotto or braised beef cheeks in a red wine jus? (*looks at 7-month-old-couldn't-care-what-she-is-saying-baby with curious eyes and then darts around to see the reaction of the other poor souls behind her who are enduring the torment. We make eye contact, she smiles, I force one.
7 month old couldn't care what she is saying baby: (* no response)
Overzealous new mum: (* getting louder) "I can't hear you. Pardon pumpkin? Did you hear that? Not what, always pardon. I've told you that before, haven't I Pumpkin? say it with me...par-don."
7 month old couldn't care what she is saying baby: (*still nada)
Overzealous new mum: Did you say Risotto?
[*at this point I almost chimed in with a "no pea brain, your baby can't talk and has no flaming idea what risotto is, so please hurry up and put all your groceries through before my ice cream melts". I graciously held my tongue.]
*Side note: this all unfolded in ALDI and you know from here and here that Aldi and I are not the best of buddies, he just pleases my budget...so I get to the counter and stoney faced Mr ALDI is putting my goods through faster than a cat on a hot tin roof, all the while Overzealous new mum still hasn't moved on and my raw chicken rolls off the counter and bounces towards the door.
I mean seriously woman, your enthusiastic "motherese" is as welcome as a fart in a phone box, I almost gave in to the equally pathetic trump card 'I'm a mother of four, I've been there', but once again I held my tongue .
Rant rant. Sorry, but I feel better now.
Liv x
ps. Don't get me wrong I'm a baby lover, and I don't mind ooing and arring, but talking to a 7 month old about braised beef cheeks so loud that the deaf can now hear, WTHell!
pps. I know I write a lot of rubbish on this blog too, but you don't have to read it, unlike me trapped in a queue behind Overzealous new mum.
Oh Liv, had a good laugh...I too know this overzealous mother you speak of, she frequents my ALDI but insists on calorie counting her way along the dairy isle explaining all the fine details to 7 mnth old who quite frankly is dying for a lolly pop, she also often rears her unwanted head in the at the local café (where I go for child free time), where she insists on force feeding cutesy ootsy "bubba chinos"...seriously give them water - what will you be offering them when they're 17? A latte won't cut it if they've had them since birth...oh and then finally, madame overzealous also frequents the library...as I drop in and tell my four to "quick grab as many appropriate books as you can to read to occupy you for the holidays" ,she's coyly smiling from a bean bag on the floor whilst she insists that little shnooka whooka sits quietly, and then she says "that's right, now we're going to read about "ee oorrrs, you love eee ooorrrrs don't you, red, did you just say red? yes, you even know their colour, goodness me you're clever, mummy can hardly keep up..."
ReplyDeleteit was at that stage that I realised her 7 mnth old was sleeping, facing away from her on her lap.
N and I had a good ol chuckle as we headed back to the car with everyone - I, like you Liv ,am not jaded, just another Mum of 4 who has learnt to conserve my energy ;)
In stitches Jo, especially love that N was in on it too xx
DeleteOh gosh, Liv. I was LOLing reading this. Hilarious and true! xoxox
ReplyDeleteI hope you haven't fallen for it with Miss S Jenny!
Deleteand thanks for the shout out on FB too xx
excuse me while I clean up my vomit! You are funny.
ReplyDeleteI'm the mother who stands in the supermarket aisle saying to kids "right, you go find these things, and you go find these things and meet me here" I'm lazy
or
"if you two can't decided on what flavour juice you want, then THERE'S NONE AT ALL. PUT. IT. BACK."
I'm with you Tiel, remember the TV show 'Supermarket Sweep'... kids love it and you can wait in the mag aisle while they do all the shopping.x
DeleteOoooh, I was HIDEOUS with my first, thirteen years ago. I cried the day my ex called and told me he'd taken her to McDonalds - my precious baby sullied with evil junk food! By the time I reached no4 it was a different story...
ReplyDeleteI will never forget seeing my dad feed my 5 month old a chocolate paddle pop....similar reaction!
DeleteLol, oh oh. I think I may be one of those mums! Surely not as bad though ;)
ReplyDeletehaha, no way Renee! Well now you know to avoid the braised beef cheek conversations x
Delete"Motherese" - love it! I was never and never will be one of those mums. I loathe baby talk, even when talking to babies. Gah! x
ReplyDeletehaha...not even once Bron?
DeleteVery funny! I don't think I was overly zealous as a new mum. Maybe...it's always easier to see it in others! x
ReplyDeleteI know, when I heard her I actually had to stop and think 'was I ever like that'...scary thought x
DeleteWell that was painful to read... so I can't imagine having to listen to it first hand. I've been overzealous in my time... but thankfully I'm pretty sure not like this. I'm the mother desperately trying to escape with the screaming child...
ReplyDeleteMe too, bribing has become a dear part of my life!
DeleteI'm going to look him up right away, i need a giggle on this friday morning!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have talked to my baby in the shops like that, ah it was mostly, stop, sit down, let go, and rush out as quick as possible!! x Karen
ReplyDeleteHilarious! You had me in stitches :)
ReplyDeleteCan you relate or have you heard her before??
DeleteBut how else will my child get accepted my Mensa by age 11 months if I dont start now? Bahaha Love it! x
ReplyDeletehaha...I know, those 'Baby Bachelor' qualifications are a bit the same!
DeleteHa ha Olivia - those bloody stoney faced ALDI check out people - WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? And it's like they want us to fail at packing our shit in our trolleys uber fast. Sometimes I just throw it in there and tap my finger waiting for them to hurry up - what's a few broken eggs? ;)
ReplyDelete"whats a few broken eggs"...love it. But I get you loud and clear, it's worth it if you win!
Delete